I turned to a friend who has been homeschooling her son since the beginning of his school career. I confided in her telling her my troubles. Even though she was relaying similar problems she has with her child, I was devastated, it didn't matter what someone else had in common with my problems. I didn't want the problems. I was upset and hurt by what I was unable to accomplish. I was doubting myself, thinking very poorly in my capabilities as a mom and a teachermom. I was struggling, needless to say. I was confused why it was taking so long and why we were not accomplishing what needed to be accomplished in the day. On top of that, my patience was already thin and it was becoming even more stretched, the kids were being affected and my love life was being affected. I was turning into that unhappy wife again.
I remember running to church so I could get a renewing of God's anointing. Just feel a little capable. I was a mother teacher running in the desert looking for water when the whole time I had it with me. God was with me I just needed to ask for him. Stop waiting until Thursday morning bible study and Sunday to get his pouring. I could of asked him all along.
I was the problem just not in the way I thought. Actually that was it precisely, I was thinking wrong. I was not including God in my preparations, I thought I needed to be like his school, I thought I needed a public school curriculum, I thought we needed 10 subjects everyday. I thought there was some wild crazy curriculum I had to follow in order to be good at this. I was following a set of rules that didn't even exist. I cooked a meal I was unable to eat and I was choking on it everyday. My child was growing so full on all these subjects I was pushing down my babies throat. He couldn't handle it and it wasn't working. we needed a change, I needed a change. A mental change!
Once I realized I could do things my way I asked God to help me with a curriculum. I needed some guidance but couldn't afford any of the curriculum's out there. Then, just right on time 3 days before i was going to start our new school I was blessed with two years of a curriculum (a christian curriculum...yes) and I thanked God and I began to relax a little.
Not too much I was still panicked. didn't know exactly how to manage and organize our days. Just wanted our school time to be filling and healthy.
Two months went by and the flow became easier, I was crying and yelling less, and was talking more! I began to change things about myself, see things about me apparently my husband saw in me for so long. Yet, I was not only able see them but fix them work on them. Became a better person, mom, teacher, wife and daughter of our Lord. I am beginning to see now that God was not putting me in this position just for my kids, for our family, but for me; to teach ME. I am so very thankful for such an amazing, caring, and loving Father. I am enjoying my life and there's no turning back!
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